Earning My Wings

“We are all like butterflies, transforming in our own time.” -Layla Morgan Wilde

Grief. It’s like a roller coaster that never seems to end. As I sit here at the edge of my bed writing, I am in tears. Crying. Hurting. Screaming. Why me? It’s like it just happened all over again.

Everyone says grief is a process. They aren’t lying. Most days I feel fine, but today I feel broken. How can I make it out of this? Every time I feel as though I am finally crawling out of the pit full of sadness I seem to fall back in. It’s like the ground crumbles beneath me and I am left alone, scared and trying to pick myself back up and try again.

As Courtland drove me to my third bridal shower this week, I realized something significant.

As most people know, a butterfly starts off life as a caterpillar. The caterpillar begins  as an egg, and then the small creature goes through many stages of growth until they become an adult butterfly. Once the butterfly breaks free from its chrysalis, the adult cannot yet fly. It must go through a process of expanding and exercising its wings before it is ready.

What in the world does this have to do with grief, right?

You see, I started life out as a baby in my mother’s womb. After I was born, I went through many stages of growth to become an adult. I graduated high school, moved out of my parent’s house, got a job, became pregnant, graduated college and got engaged. I knew I was an adult. I had my wings and I was ready to fly. What I didn’t realize was that I had just entered my chrysalis. I had just entered the chapter of my life that would help me to earn my wings.

I lost my baby.

I entered my chapter of darkness.

While the caterpillar is in its chrysalis, it undergoes many many many changes that people on the outside cannot see in order to prepare to emerge from the darkness. I am in my chrysalis. No one can see the changes happening inside of me every day. I tend to feel alone in my thoughts and emotions as it is hard for others to truly understand what is happening to me. What I realized today is that God is preparing me to emerge from this chapter of darkness.

When a caterpillar enters this process of drastic change, it does not truly know what is happening to it. The caterpillar must be patient and earn its wings. The same thing is happening to me. There are days where I cannot even understand myself what is happening to my heart. I beg and plead with God to show me the light and to let me fly out of this pit of darkness. He keeps telling me, “You’re not ready. You will know when it is the right time to break free from this chapter of sadness for I will bless you with your wings. Be patient. I am preparing you for so much more.”

So, while I sit in my chrysalis and wonder when it will be my time, I will have faith in My Creator. I will cry when my heart is heavy and laugh when it is light. I will love much deeper than I ever have before. I will focus on the beautiful life God has planned for me, but I will forever cherish this chapter of growth.

I cannot wait to leave this grieving behind, but I know even after I have there will be moments when I must expand and exercise my wings.

“Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness yet become something beautiful.” -Unknown