I walked into my room last night to check on Sawyer after putting him to sleep. He was standing up in his bed, paci in his mouth, his tired eyes looking up at me. I knelt down and leaned over his crib. His sweet arm wrapped around my neck as he nestled his head in my chest. My heart warmed up and my eyes became wet. I love this little boy. I kissed the back of his neck and whispered a quiet “thank you” to the Lord above.
This week, two years ago, I wrote my first blog after losing our first child. I was in shambles. I was broken and searching for answers God wasn’t ready to give me. I yelled at Him. I leaned on my faith, but I shook my fist at my Father. “Why? Why would you take away such a precious gift?”
After January of 2017, life got busy. God had blessed me with my second pregnancy. I spent the months worrying, hoping and planning for Sawyer’s future. I rarely remembered to thank God for the gift He had so graciously given me to nurture. I only wrote two blogs last year, and oh, how I have missed writing.
This post has been a long time coming. As we near closer to Sawyer’s first birthday (I still refuse to believe I have held him in my arms for 10 months), the question of his future sibling comes up.
“Another on the way?”
“Working on his sibling yet?”
“Are you going to have another one?”
Each time I am asked, my stomach turns into knots. Of course, I wonder if I want to share my love for Sawyer with another baby. He has my heart, and I am hesitant to take any part of it away from him.
But, mostly, I don’t know if I can put myself through another nine months of worrying and hoping.
God has already blessed me with a beautiful, sweet, tough and empathetic boy. Should I be so brave to ask for another? What if I don’t deserve another? I don’t thank God enough for the blessings I do have.
It sounds ridiculous. God does not punish us. My first loss was not a punishment. I know that, but I’m not sure I can put my fear in His hands and carry another child.
Anyone with me?
Giving up our “control” to Him is not always easy.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am nowhere near having another baby. I am too busy watching the love of my life grow before my eyes. I need to enjoy him. I need to bathe in his light and happiness. My life has been free from stress, sadness and worry recently. I reminded myself of how blessed I am as Sawyer wrapped his arm around me. Two years ago, I was not sure of my future. I was not sure if I would ever have a boy to call me momma or to hug my neck.
So, for now, when I am asked the daunting question… I will respond with, “maybe in the future. For now, I am enjoying my little boy!”
And under my breath, I will be praising the Lord for being so gracious.