IMG_4705“Heaven and Earth may separate us today, but nothing will ever change the fact that you made me a mom.”

“The results from the amniocentesis say your baby was a boy.” That is what the nurse from Dr. Atkinson’s office confirmed for me today. I say confirmed because from the moment I found out I was pregnant I had the feeling I was carrying a baby boy. I waited until today to find out. I didn’t want to know the sex… I was scared it would make the whole thing way too “real”. I honestly didn’t expect to want to know until after my next child… maybe never, but last night I felt that I needed to know ASAP.

I’m still not sure why I felt that I shouldn’t find out or why I decided I needed to know within seconds of thinking about it. The whole thing is “real”. Maybe my body was yelling at me knowing I was missing a piece of the puzzle that is healing. I didn’t want to see my baby’s whole life flash before my eyes, and without knowing the gender I never really could see his life. I see all of it now. I see what I thought he would’ve looked like: tall, blonde, blue eyes, Courtland’s perfect nose and my freckles. I see him as a toddler, a teenager and an adult.

I know he would’ve been the best basketball player. He would’ve spent days in the heat playing golf with his daddy. He would be sweet, but tough. Tempermatic, but empathetic. Intelligent, but down-to-earth.

The reality of it is… he is none of those things. He is something so much more. Our baby boy is an angel. Though I may not like it, his short life has changed me and his father. He showed us love we had never known. He gave us emotions we had never felt. He has made us stronger than we ever knew possible. He is our protector. He is our baby boy. He is our angel.

My heart hurts for me but is overjoyed for him. He is forever safe and untouched by hurt. All he has ever known is love. How much better does it get?

I am so glad I am able to share with you my little boy. I may not have pictures of him graduating or getting married or playing basketball with his daddy, but I have his love forever in my heart.

“When we lose our children, we don’t just lose them at the stage they were when they passed. We lose them at every stage we missed, and our hearts will forever ache with that knowledge.” – L Behrndt

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