I told you I would write about the day I found out we were blessed with a baby. I didn’t know when it would be, but I think now is the right time to share a moment I look back on with joy in my heart.
April 15, 2016 will forever be a day that sticks in my mind. The millions of emotions. The panic and sheer stress. The positive pregnancy test.
I remember the week leading up to April 15th vividly. It was the beginning of my last month of college (AKA the month of hell). I was tired… oh so tired.
I remember telling my friend “I swear… I sleep and I sleep and I sleep, but it always seems like I’m still tired.” She responded with, “You’re probably sleeping too much”. Boy, was she wrong!!!
I also told another friend, who I hadn’t really known for that long, “If I don’t get these bowling balls off of my chest, I’m going to kill someone”.
I look back on these moments and remember how naive I was. I also look back and smile. How perfectly innocent those comments were. I had no idea what the next few months would bring. I was happy and young and carefree.
April 10th I took senior pictures with Kenda Davies. I remember feeling HUGE. I so cherish those photos. They are forever a reminder of the time before I became a mom to an angel.
April 14th Kenda sent me a few previews from our session… I bawled and then bawled some more. I kept telling Courtland and my sister and my best friend and ESPECIALLY my mom how FAT I looked. I became obsessed with my image and I was sick. I didn’t know why I was so upset (hormones, obviously). Courtland did everything he could to comfort me… bless his heart.
The next day I had planned a going away party for my roommate at the time. I knew we were going to be drinking that night and I just couldn’t get the thought that I may be pregnant off my mind. After class that morning, I drove to the dollar store and picked up 2 tests. I knew the test was going to be negative, so I didn’t see any reason in wasting $20 on a fancy test. I drove directly home, took the test and waited about 10 seconds.
I remember the way my heart felt when it hit the floor. As I watched the test, I thought “I don’t remember the control line usually showing up that early. That’s weird?“… Then I thought, “stop, two lines? That can’t be right. Or am I wrong… does two lines mean negative? (hahahha oh what the mind will do)”. As I about passed out, I took another test. Yes. Another one. BAM… TWO LINES AGAIN. (I’m sure any momma knows what I’m talking about here. The first test is never right.)
I laid on the floor and screamed. I cried, no I bawled. I called Courtland (who was at work) and his response was “you don’t know how accurate those tests are”…. I’m pretty sure I yelled the accuracy at him “99.7% ACCURATE”.
Immediately I called my sister to ask her to bring me a THIRD & EXPENSIVE test… She was studying so I didn’t even tell her the nightmare I was living. I just hung up and tried again. This time I called that friend I hadn’t known for very long, Kari Dunn (now Hamilton). I was uncontrollably sobbing as I begged her to bring me another test. I’m pretty sure she dropped everything, went to Walgreens and rushed to my house. I remember Kari walking in and telling me she thought she had bought eight pregnancy tests, but she had accidentally purchased an ovulation kit with ONE pregnancy test. Oh, how we laughed. She was such a relief in that moment. I will forever cherish our friendship in that moment and forever. Telling me, “your family will not hate you. You’re okay, breathe. Is there anything I can do for you? I hope it’s a girl”.
Another hilarious moment of my journey was the next day when I went to tell my mom. She had just gotten back from a trip to Mexico and kept complaining about my brothers and how stressed she was and how she just wanted to go back to Cabo. I remember talking to Courtland about how stressed she was going to be when I broke the news. We were sitting at my half-brother’s soccer game and my heart was pounding. I decided I would tell her when we walked to the car. She was blabbing away while we watched Frankie and I remember her talking about a book she was reading. “You’ll have to read this book when you are getting ready to have kids. It’s a great read.” I remember Courtland and I made eye contact thinking OH LORD SHE KNOWS. When I told her the news, I didn’t get the yelling or the lecturing or the horrible look of disappointment I was expecting. I got “okay, let’s do this and I love you”. WHAT? She was okay? She didn’t die of a heart attack?
We drove home and Courtland called his sister, Katlin, to share with her. Oh how excited he was to be embarking on this new journey, and oh how scared I was.
I would give anything to have those moments back. The moments of fear and disappointment and anger and sadness. I have learned and grown so much since April 15th.
As I sit here and cry over all that I have lost, I am reminded of all I have gained. I gained knowledge of a parent’s love and forgiveness as my parents loved and supported me through it. I gained a partner in life that is even stronger than before. I gained amazing friendships I would never have. I gained strength and acceptance and faith. I gained a whole lot of love and a whole lot of support.
I gained an angel. ❤
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I will tell you now how excited I am to have a rainbow baby. I look forward to those two little lines every day. Every baby is a blessing and though I will still feel fear and anxiety, I will cry tears of happiness and joy for I know what that little heartbeat does to a person.
I love reading your blogs! Tears come to my eyes every time. We too are praying for a little rainbow baby. Whenever my mind races and I become upset, I think about how strong you are. Know that you are an inspirational human being!
Oh, Taylor. Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry you have experienced this loss, but I will be praying for that sweet rainbow baby of yours. I believe we are all inspirational for making it through something quite traumatic. Keep your head up!! Much love ❤
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