“Yes. I mean… no. I don’t know. It’s my second pregnancy, but hopefully my first child on Earth.”

I hate answering this question. It’s uncomfortable to explain, but it’s hard to just say yes and move on. So, I usually just say “Yeah?” and then people look at me like I’m a freak for not knowing the answer.

But, that’s not what this blog post is about, so I will just move on now that I have shared the most uncomfortable part of this pregnancy with you. 🙂

IMG_3419I will meet my halfway mark on Friday! I still cannot believe that I have made it this far. I cannot believe that it has been four months since we found out we were being blessed all over again.

I just passed the day we found out we were pregnant last year, April 15. I started thinking about the past year and all that had taken place. Then, I realized something shocking to me. In the past 12 months, I have been pregnant for seven of them, yet I am still 4.5 months away from holding my child. By the time I have Sawyer,  I will have been pregnant for a total of 12 months. I will have waited 17 months to hold my first child.

So, when people ask me if it’s “flying by” and I just nod my head yes, I am secretly cringing at the thought of waiting four more months. Carrying this heavy anxiety of what each appointment will hold for me. Pregnancy after loss doesn’t fly by. It’s not the same as a normal pregnancy. There is much more grief, guilt and anxiety.

My heart hurts for my friend who has lost three pregnancies in the past year. She is still waiting to hold her first child and her wait will be much longer than mine. My heart hurts for the women struggling with infertility who have been waiting three years to hold their first child. My heart hurts for you and with you.

Nine months is years long to those of us who have been waiting and counting and adding up the days and months and years. Thank you to my friends and family for your patience. And, of course, a HUGE thank you to my partner through it all… I mean, can you imagine spending a year with a pregnant wife?