Friday, September 16, 2016, I married the love of my life.
The wedding and the weather and the music were perfect.
I had the most beautiful/handsome bridal party. I had the most perfect man waiting at the end of the aisle. I had the most supportive family crying and laughing and celebrating. I had the prettiest cake, decor and venue.
So, why am I so sad?
I can’t stop weeping. I continue to ask myself, “What the hell are you doing? You should be happy!”
I don’t know if this is normal. Does everyone do this? Is it because the day I worked so hard on for so long is all over within a matter of hours?
My dear friend and bridesmaid, Caycee Taylor, continually reminded me every moment she could to take in each and every detail. To appreciate exactly what I was feeling in every moment. To burn the emotion into my mind so that I would always remember what my wedding day felt and looked like. She warned me I would get into my car at the end of the night and ask myself “now what?” She tried her hardest to prepare me for the emotions that follow such a beautiful day.
I did each of those things yet I can’t remember anything from Friday. It is a beautiful blur, and I can’t seem to focus on any detail. I hardly remember what my bouquet looked like. I’m not sure of what I said to any person at the wedding. I can’t taste the cake that covered my face.
All I remember are the tears running down my husband’s face as he smiled at me, his new wife, and the embrace we shared the moment our dear friend said, “Courtland, you may kiss your bride!”
I think that may be why I am so sad. I want to remember everything. I want to remember the way my dad looked at me when I walked out of the Bride’s room. I want to remember the words shared with me by every person I love. I want to remember the hugs and the tears and the laughter. But, it’s okay (fortunately I had many people documenting our special day). I remember the overflowing amount of love I felt and feel for every person I shared that day with. I remember the feeling of pure bliss and happiness.
These feelings bring back so many times during my pregnancy. The feeling of happiness and love and laughter and tears. The feeling of not being able to remember what each week felt like while our baby boy grew inside of me. The feeling of the purest form of love. A raw and unending love. The feeling of a part of my life ending.
So as I sit here and grieve the things I have forgotten and the moments that have ended, I am so thankful for the amount of love I have felt during these past five months. From finding out I was pregnant to the engagement to the loss of our little boy to the day of our wedding. I may not remember what my baby bump looked like or what our baby looked like in a sonogram or what my wedding cake tasted like, but I do remember the amount of love I have had showered over me during each of these seasons. I remember the love I have felt for my baby, my husband and my friends and family.
It’s okay to grieve your wedding. It’s okay to be sad that a part of your life is over. Just remember what raw and unending love feels like. When you’re mad at your husband or your mom or God. Remember how much they love you.
“May you live forever in love and may love live forever in you!” (from my sweet sister’s MOH speech)